....Now I had asked God for a sign. I said "If I let go of this fear and step out in faith, I need to know that you have my back." 27th was a Saturday and the very next day (Sunday) during service at church my pastor goes "And for everyone that is letting go of fear and stepping out in faith, God I pray that you give them strength." The way I started tearing. The exact same words.. that was all I needed.
Let me explain exactly what led to this internal battle/spiritual trial of mine. You see I have garnered some bit of reputation in the eyes of this world. However I knew that I am still but a shadow of who I am called to be. God was calling me to a greater height in Him and I was afraid that he wants to expose my weaknesses and sensitivity for His glory. Like I really want to spend and be spent for His kingdom but I wanted to look relevant while doing it. That's the point! At the middle of it all lied my pride and this was what brought the fear and anxiety. I was afraid of looking like a fool before the very people that thought I was somebody.
Anyone else been through this? Let's analyze. I understand that God's purpose for my life exalts my weaknesses to direct the praise to Him. In other words, the very thing I struggle with is what God will use to show off His power. Let's take Abraham for example, he was childless but was called to be the father of all nations, Peter was timid and ended up being a courageous leader, David was irrelevant and become more than relevant when God was done with Him, Moses couldn't even speak, the list goes on... Yet these people had to make a decision to really let God author the course of their lives. For some of us we will have to endure for some while because God is stripping you of your so called reputations, making you vulnerable and exposing your weakness so that when he uplifts you people will know without the shadow of a doubt that it couldn't have been by your own doing.
So for a while now God has been calling and preparing me. And I know it will be harddddd (inserts crying emoji). If it was easy then everyone will be doing it. I have been hesitating for some time but the thing is that I am done!! I can't be flickering light when I am called to be a burning flame! I refuse to not walk in His perfect will for my life!! I reject every spirit of mediocrity! I am destined for greatness and when I stand before Him on that day, I want to look Him in the eyes and say "I used every single thing You deposited in me." I was about to turn 20 and I KNEW in my mind, heart and spirit that I needed to stop playing games. From that very day, after talking it out with God, we both began living out His will for me.
Then on my birthday as I sat before Him, literally drenched in tears (boy was it a tough year), waiting on His word for my new age (I do this every birthday), thinking it would involve more pain and suffering. God looked at me and said "Take care of yourself." This has to be the biggest form of endearment ever. Those four words showed me that He saw all my pain and understood how hard it was on me. It makes me wonder how many times He had wanted to step in and take me out of that trial but He knew I had to grow. I was still scarred, wasn't fully healed, was still suffering and He knew that. I really needed that. When God says take care of yourself, you do exactly just that.
Since the 22nd of September I have been taking care of myself. In fact I can't believe it's that same Didi that is blogging about this. Like there is so much joy and happiness in my heart. A friend of mine told me a few days ago, "You're really happy, I'm happy for you," because it's been a while he has seen me happy. I find myself saying "I love doing life with You" a lot lately to God. It really is such a beautiful thing. I'm grateful that He has singled me out to be on fire for Him. Cheers to more trials, growth and to pressing deeper into Him daily.
Y'all should try Him.
Love and peace always :)
Didi
Monday, October 24, 2016
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Let's Talk About Me: Summer 2016 (Part 1)
Summer 2016. The summer I never want to relive.. Ever. The summer I almost lost myself. Summer suicidal thoughts hunted me. Same summer I doubted who I am in Christ. Forgot my heritage, forgot my purpose, my future glory, the plans of God for my life, forgot anything and everything that reminded me of my worth in Christ. By far the worst spiritual trial I've ever been through... But it gives me hope, it tells me that I am stronger and more mature to go through it. Now let's talk.
My summer started off with a few family issues then I was involved in a lot of activities that I ended up stressed and so uptight about life. To top it off I was going through a trial. I had started this year off, up until the summer, with such powerful presence of God but during this summer I noticed my prayers and quiet time become more like a routine than encounters with God. Over time I stopped praying, when I got busier I stopped trying to make time.
I honestly don't know when it started but I became very anxious about everything. The spirit of anxiety would plague me morning and night. I remember waking up so afraid, afraid of what? I can't even tell you, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything. I started and ended my days in tears. One particular night, the demons of suicide were whispering into my ears "You live by the lake Didi you can just jump into it, no one cares about you." You already know I got off my bed and started biding and casting.
Satan and his little demons played games with me this summer. I began to doubt that God can use me. I began telling myself I was a nobody, with no confidence, no faith, too much flaws and a weak soul. Some days I would sit before God and tell Him I was tired! That I couldn't do it anymore! I had magnified the problem before me and given it too much power that my eyes were now set upon them instead of Jesus. I was telling God to look at how big my problem was instead of vice versa. To make things worse, I stayed away from people; I would go to church on Sundays then Monday to Saturday I was in my room, alone not even leaving my apartment for some fresh air.
It was tough.. and I was also studying for my MCAT. Can you tell it was the most depressing, lonely and trying time of my life? The biggest thing I feared most at that time was that I might never get back to who I was. I feared that the Didi I used to know might have permanently left. That my confidence would never return. That I'd remain this timid and melancholic forever. I was all wrapped up in fear, fear, fear! On the 27th of August, I sat down and said enough is ENOUGH! I told God from today onwards, "I LET GO OF FEAR AND I STEP OUT IN FAITH!" I was just tired of letting this thing called fear rule my life. Because of this summer, I'm pretty positive I know every bible verse that talks about fear, I had to soak myself in the word.
From that day onwards, I began climbing the ladder back to the real Didi, I started conquering anxiety and fear, started putting Jesus at the center of my life again... Part 2 coming soon..
God bless! :)
My summer started off with a few family issues then I was involved in a lot of activities that I ended up stressed and so uptight about life. To top it off I was going through a trial. I had started this year off, up until the summer, with such powerful presence of God but during this summer I noticed my prayers and quiet time become more like a routine than encounters with God. Over time I stopped praying, when I got busier I stopped trying to make time.
I honestly don't know when it started but I became very anxious about everything. The spirit of anxiety would plague me morning and night. I remember waking up so afraid, afraid of what? I can't even tell you, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything. I started and ended my days in tears. One particular night, the demons of suicide were whispering into my ears "You live by the lake Didi you can just jump into it, no one cares about you." You already know I got off my bed and started biding and casting.
Satan and his little demons played games with me this summer. I began to doubt that God can use me. I began telling myself I was a nobody, with no confidence, no faith, too much flaws and a weak soul. Some days I would sit before God and tell Him I was tired! That I couldn't do it anymore! I had magnified the problem before me and given it too much power that my eyes were now set upon them instead of Jesus. I was telling God to look at how big my problem was instead of vice versa. To make things worse, I stayed away from people; I would go to church on Sundays then Monday to Saturday I was in my room, alone not even leaving my apartment for some fresh air.
It was tough.. and I was also studying for my MCAT. Can you tell it was the most depressing, lonely and trying time of my life? The biggest thing I feared most at that time was that I might never get back to who I was. I feared that the Didi I used to know might have permanently left. That my confidence would never return. That I'd remain this timid and melancholic forever. I was all wrapped up in fear, fear, fear! On the 27th of August, I sat down and said enough is ENOUGH! I told God from today onwards, "I LET GO OF FEAR AND I STEP OUT IN FAITH!" I was just tired of letting this thing called fear rule my life. Because of this summer, I'm pretty positive I know every bible verse that talks about fear, I had to soak myself in the word.
From that day onwards, I began climbing the ladder back to the real Didi, I started conquering anxiety and fear, started putting Jesus at the center of my life again... Part 2 coming soon..
God bless! :)
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