What is My Motive?

What really is my motive? Why exactly am I serving God? Why do I wake up every morning and have my devotion with God? Why do I make an effort to read the word and stir up myself in the Lord whenever I'm feeling down? Why is it that spiritual growth is very important to me? Why do I ask God to prune me? Why do I genuinely want to be best I can ever be? Why don't I put myself in situations that will cause me to sin? Why have I decided to serve God with all my life?

I believe I'm at that stage where doing good is not the problem, not anymore, but I want to know why it is that I am choosing to do good. I remember when I served God because I believed that serving Him meant an easy life, boy was I wrong. Or that it meant I would achieve my purpose in life - this one is actually true. That I would be great, you know in terms of wealth, happiness, fame, etc. Then it became because I know He's capable of seeing through anything. From time to time my motive for serving Him would change. But lately I've been studying myself, learning about why I do certain things. I strongly believe motive is a very crucial aspect of my spiritual life. So I needed to make sure that things were right in this area. I should want to serve God because He deserves it all, simple and short. 

God deserves it all, that's all there is to it. So when things are not going well, my submission to God is not affected. I don't stop serving because He deserves it all regardless of how I am feeling. When it doesn't feel like I'm walking in my purpose, I still do what I am supposed to do. When I've known trials, struggles, etc. more than the supposed happy life, I still will serve Him! When I feel like He is far away from me, He still remains as God. I don't do good and then feel entitled to a reward, God is God and deserves more than my good. And if I choose not to serve Him, there are 24 elders in heaven, worshiping Him day and night, nonstop. My so-called righteousness is like a filthy rag before Him (Isaiah 54:6). 

This is one thing I am currently drilling into my head, God is sovereign! My feelings, attitude, situation, the time of the day, the weather, hunger, people's attitude/behavior, whatever it is, should not hinder my willingness to serve Him. Period.
Check your motives and learn to genuinely want to worship God because He is God and deserves it all.


Stay Stellar!
Didi

Excuses.

So I'm reading through Exodus and got to where Moses encountered God at the burning bush - chapter 3 & 4. God tells Moses that he hears the cries of his children and will keep the promise he made to Jacob/Israel to bring the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt. God goes on to say that he will do that through Moses, that he has called Moses for such a time as this.. That Moses will stand before Pharaoh and speak for the Israelites so that they can be set free (they were being afflicted by the Egyptians). Immediately God mentioned Moses going before Pharaoh, Moses goes

1. "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?"
• God says "But I will be with you.." This wasn't enough for Moses because further down the chapter, he gives another excuse..
2. "But behold, they will not believe me or listen to my voice. for they shall say "the Lord did not appear to you."
• God gives Him a sign to appease the Israelites and show that God truly has sent him. And then, the very thing Moses was worried about. I believe excuses 1 and 2 were birthed out of this last one. Moses saw himself as in-eloquent and therefore believed that he was incapable of standing before Pharaoh and that the Israelites will not "listen to his voice."
3. "Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue."
•  God also resolved this excuse by saying He is God and will be with His mouth. Moses goes "Oh God please send someone else." This sentence right here hit home for me. How many times have God called you and you tell him to use other people. Sometimes I even name people who I think are adequate and perfect for the mission. A lot of us have been here. Thing is that God tends to call us for a mission that is tremendously beyond our capabilities because He wants to show himself as God. However, God later decided to give Moses Aaron (Moses' brother) to speak alongside him.

Did you know that as time passed (Genesis 8 to be exact), Moses started speaking to Pharaoh himself? Did you know that God doesn't call you and leave you? He won't bring you this far to leave you. God is not oblivious to your inadequacies, He understands that you have a reason to worry BUT He will be with you. Your concerns are valid and that is why God attends to them. It is okay to have inadequacies but you shouldn't dwell on them. God wants us to walk by faith and not by sight. He wants to know that even when all is not well that we will walk with Him. That regardless of how bad it is looking you wouldn't let those excuses get the best of you. Let go of those excuses and dive fully into what He has called you to do.

*All excerpts are from ESV Bible Version.

Take Every Thought Captive!!

Do you ever feel like your mind is a battlefield? Like you constantly have to fight your thoughts? For me this occurs on days that some people would call "bad days." Well I refuse to believe that I have bad days. Anyways it can start with one little thing going wrong, or maybe one huge thing, and your day that started off with a beautiful time in God's presence and His revealing of the assurance of who you are gradually starts to deteriorate... Now I believe we all have a choice. We can choose to have joy and a grateful heart (regardless of the situation that's impeding our joy) or we can choose to let the negative crippling thoughts overshadow the light of God in us.

For me to retain my joy, to remain the light in the midst of the impending darkness I have to denounce every thought that is not of God. What happens is that when things start going wrong, we start doubting if God is still watching, or if we did something to push Him away, or if He is still on the throne. Thoughts that have us question who we are in Christ, our confidence, our worth, our boldness, our joy, etc. starts attacking us. Did you know that the devil doesn't know what goes on in your mind unless you let him in on it? So in that moment when you are fighting these thoughts, abstain from letting him know that you are struggling. Take those thoughts and counteract them with the word of God.

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" 2 Corinthians 10:5 KJV

No seriously when that thought tells me I'm not good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, bold enough, capable, that God is done with me, that I can't get it right, that I will not succeed etc.. I remind myself that the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous and His ears are open to their prayers. That God has not given me the spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. That I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That I am the head and not the tail. That in my weakness His strength is made perfect. That I am created in the image and likeness of God. That I am beautiful and there is no flaw in me. That the Lord has thoughts of good towards me to lead me to an expected end. That the name of the Lord is a strong tower and I run into it and I am safe. That the Lord fights my battle and all I have to do is to hold my peace! That I know my God therefore I will be strong and I will do exploits. (Bible verses down below respectively).

See "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7 KJV

It's okay to shout "Get away from me devil!" He has no place in your thoughts! Resist him and he shall flee!! And don't forget the first part of that verse, submit yourself fully to God. I recently found myself in a situation where I had to make a choice. I decided to choose joy even though the environment around me was fighting it. I constantly remind myself that I choose joy. Say it out loud "I CHOOSE JOY" and may God give us the grace to constantly choose joy in all situations. Amen.

- Didi

Bible verses: 1 Peter 3:12, 2 Timothy 1:7, Philippians 4:13,  Deuteronomy 28:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Genesis 1:27, Songs of Solomon 4:7, Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 18:10, Exodus 14:14, Daniel 11:32b.

My Powerful Encounter with God.

This was my third time attending the North East Winterfest Conference at Rochester. My sole purpose of attending was that I wanted to be in a big congregation of believers; I wanted to worship. I went with absolutely no expectations than to worship and get a short weekend getaway from school. Spiritually my relationship with God was phenomenal and I started to get to a place where I felt like there has to be more to our relationship: something deeper and more profound. I had reached what I'd call the peak of my relationship with Him (I know right? So naive) and I was wondering if there was something more, something deeper. I'd hear others talk about what the Lord was doing with them and I wanted Him to do more with me. For sometime I got nothing so I stopped pressing Him about it and concluded that maybe this is as far as I could go.

Winterfest is an all weekend event so I was pretty much excited. Friday night was astounding, it's always amazing to fellowship with other young believers. Saturday morning, the preacher and her sermon literally blew me away. Her name was Devine (I will never forget it) and as she started preaching, I felt as if God was exposing me in front of everybody. I vividly remember every moment through that sermon, she was talking about some of us being called to climb the mountain first so we could lead other people up and we need to stop being hesitant. I literally just sat there ashamed, shy, angry and remorseful because this lady was telling my business to the world, I knew that word was for me.

It was followed by an altar call which I casually walked up, worshiping and speaking in tongues like every other person. The next thing I knew an overwhelming power overtook me (remember I was standing in front of the stage). It was so intense that I could not prevent myself from moving back and falling onto the first row of seats. I found myself bouncing on them, my back and legs were doing their own thing at this point. My tongues were on a different level. All I could think of was to try and get a hold of myself because now my body was hurting but I couldn't, the power was too strong. And all this while God was telling me "Didi I love you, Didi I'm not done with you. Didi I love you I'm not done with you." Repeatedly. Again and again. You can imagine being under such power and your body moving vigorously, I started to shout "Okay. Okay! Okay!"

In that moment I felt sorry for believing there was a peak to our relationship.
Ashamed for assuming He was done with me.
Relevant because why would He make such a scene just to tell me He's not done with me?
Loved because yoooo God just told me He loves me!!!
And above all, thankful that He loves me regardless of my shortcomings.
But thank you to the lady that came and held me because I was struggling at this point: body was aching under this power, I was drenched in tears and my outrageously speaking in tongues mouth was dry.

The next morning on Valentine's day I received the gift of new tongues. Someone wasn't kidding when He said He loves me and what better way to show His love than a gift on Valentine's day. Can you tell I fell deeper in love with God this weekend? It was a power and love packed weekend for me and I was so joyful!

Now imagine how the devil wanted to steal this encounter from me this last summer by telling me God couldn't use me? Isn't he such an opportunist? Don't let Him take what belongs to you, stand your ground and protect your portion.

Stay shining! :)
Didi

Let's Talk About Me: Summer 2016 (Part 2)

....Now I had asked God for a sign. I said "If I let go of this fear and step out in faith, I need to know that you have my back." 27th was a Saturday and the very next day (Sunday) during service at church my pastor goes "And for everyone that is letting go of fear and stepping out in faith, God I pray that you give them strength." The way I started tearing. The exact same words.. that was all I needed.

Let me explain exactly what led to this internal battle/spiritual trial of mine. You see I have garnered some bit of reputation in the eyes of this world. However I knew that I am still but a shadow of who I am called to be. God was calling me to a greater height in Him and I was afraid that he wants to expose my weaknesses and sensitivity for His glory. Like I really want to spend and be spent for His kingdom but I wanted to look relevant while doing it. That's the point! At the middle of it all lied my pride and this was what brought the fear and anxiety. I was afraid of looking like a fool before the very people that thought I was somebody.

Anyone else been through this? Let's analyze. I understand that God's purpose for my life exalts my weaknesses to direct the praise to Him. In other words, the very thing I struggle with is what God will use to show off His power. Let's take Abraham for example, he was childless but was called to be the father of all nations, Peter was timid and ended up being a courageous leader, David was irrelevant and become more than relevant when God was done with Him, Moses couldn't even speak, the list goes on... Yet these people had to make a decision to really let God author the course of their lives. For some of us we will have to endure for some while because God is stripping you of your so called reputations, making you vulnerable and exposing your weakness so that when he uplifts you people will know without the shadow of a doubt that it couldn't have been by your own doing.

So for a while now God has been calling and preparing me. And I know it will be harddddd (inserts crying emoji). If it was easy then everyone will be doing it. I have been hesitating for some time but the thing is that I am done!! I can't be flickering light when I am called to be a burning flame! I refuse to not walk in His perfect will for my life!! I reject every spirit of mediocrity! I am destined for greatness and when I stand before Him on that day, I want to look Him in the eyes and say "I used every single thing You deposited in me." I was about to turn 20 and I KNEW in my mind, heart and spirit that I needed to stop playing games. From that very day, after talking it out with God, we both began living out His will for me.

Then on my birthday as I sat before Him, literally drenched in tears (boy was it a tough year), waiting on His word for my new age (I do this every birthday), thinking it would involve more pain and suffering. God looked at me and said "Take care of yourself." This has to be the biggest form of endearment ever. Those four words showed me that He saw all my pain and understood how hard it was on me. It makes me wonder how many times He had wanted to step in and take me out of that trial but He knew I had to grow. I was still scarred, wasn't fully healed, was still suffering and He knew that. I really needed that. When God says take care of yourself, you do exactly just that.

Since the 22nd of September I have been taking care of myself. In fact I can't believe it's that same Didi that is blogging about this. Like there is so much joy and happiness in my heart. A friend of mine told me a few days ago, "You're really happy, I'm happy for you," because it's been a while he has seen me happy. I find myself saying "I love doing life with You" a lot lately to God. It really is such a beautiful thing. I'm grateful that He has singled me out to be on fire for Him. Cheers to more trials, growth and to pressing deeper into Him daily.

Y'all should try Him.
Love and peace always :)
Didi

Let's Talk About Me: Summer 2016 (Part 1)

Summer 2016. The summer I never want to relive.. Ever. The summer I almost lost myself. Summer suicidal thoughts hunted me. Same summer I doubted who I am in Christ. Forgot my heritage, forgot my purpose, my future glory, the plans of God for my life, forgot anything and everything that reminded me of my worth in Christ. By far the worst spiritual trial I've ever been through... But it gives me hope, it tells me that I am stronger and more mature to go through it. Now let's talk.

My summer started off with a few family issues then I was involved in a lot of activities that I ended up stressed and so uptight about life. To top it off I was going through a trial. I had started this year off, up until the summer, with such powerful presence of God but during this summer I noticed my prayers and quiet time become more like a routine than encounters with God. Over time I stopped praying, when I got busier I stopped trying to make time.

I honestly don't know when it started but I became very anxious about everything. The spirit of anxiety would plague me morning and night. I remember waking up so afraid, afraid of what? I can't even tell you, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything. I started and ended my days in tears. One particular night, the demons of suicide were whispering into my ears "You live by the lake Didi you can just jump into it, no one cares about you." You already know I got off my bed and started biding and casting.

Satan and his little demons played games with me this summer. I began to doubt that God can use me. I began telling myself I was a nobody, with no confidence, no faith, too much flaws and a weak soul. Some days I would sit before God and tell Him I was tired! That I couldn't do it anymore! I had magnified the problem before me and given it too much power that my eyes were now set upon them instead of Jesus. I was telling God to look at how big my problem was instead of vice versa. To make things worse, I stayed away from people; I would go to church on Sundays then Monday to Saturday I was in my room, alone not even leaving my apartment for some fresh air.

It was tough.. and I was also studying for my MCAT. Can you tell it was the most depressing, lonely and trying time of my life? The biggest thing I feared most at that time was that I might never get back to who I was. I feared that the Didi I used to know might have permanently left. That my confidence would never return. That I'd remain this timid and melancholic forever. I was all wrapped up in fear, fear, fear! On the 27th of August, I sat down and said enough is ENOUGH! I told God from today onwards, "I LET GO OF FEAR AND I STEP OUT IN FAITH!" I was just tired of letting this thing called fear rule my life. Because of this summer, I'm pretty positive I know every bible verse that talks about fear, I had to soak myself in the word.

From that day onwards, I began climbing the ladder back to the real Didi, I started conquering anxiety and fear, started putting Jesus at the center of my life again... Part 2 coming soon..

God bless! :)

Season of Trails

I won't sit here and sugar coat it because it gets really hard. Going through a season of trials can be very discouraging especially when you are going through it alone (or so you think). Why exactly do we go through seasons of trials? There are two situations: being tempted by the devil or going through a test of our faith. Both cases, upon successful completion, produce spiritual growth, endurance and draw us closer to Christ. They are there to build up our faith and equip us with the qualities we need for the next stage in life.

You can easily fall into depression, fear, doubt, etc. or whatever it is you are most susceptible to when you are going through trials. This is when you are at your weakest and the devil does take advantage of it. One trial after the other, one thing going wrong after the other and the next thing you know your faith starts to waiver. Immediately you accept ONE thought from the devil, you start to go down a spiral of detrimental thoughts only to find yourself in an abyss.... Wait? How did I get here? At what point did I lose sight of God?

Have you ever been here? Have you ever found yourself so far from the comforting arms of God and you couldn't figure out when particularly you left His sight? The struggle is real. I am a witness. Now you hear the word but it doesn't bear no fruit, you pray and you still feel empty, joy has left, fear has become your companion and you have begun to doubt. You are harboring thoughts that cripple your spiritual life, contemplating if the purpose of God for your life is still possible, wondering how exactly it is that you will be great. What light is there to shine when I am lost in this abyss of darkness? God are you still there?

This is great. This is perfect. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds," (James 1:2). The enemy wouldn't be fighting you so hard if you didn't have great value inside of you. Understand that with every challenge, you become stronger and strengthen your endurance. Stand on the firm foundation and decree your freedom. Tell your challenge how great your God is. I repeat, tell them that your God is an all consuming fire, there is nothing impossible for Him. The battle is not yours but God's (2 Chronicles 20:15). Remember that the victory has been established even from the beginning. Be of good courage, the Lord will see you through.

Praise be to God for redemption.
PS: Write down encouraging verses on post-its and put them in your work space.
2 Corinthians 12:9, 2 Timothy 1:7, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalms 118:24, Romans 8:37, 2 Corinthians 3:17