Let's Talk About Me: Summer 2016 (Part 1)

Summer 2016. The summer I never want to relive.. Ever. The summer I almost lost myself. Summer suicidal thoughts hunted me. Same summer I doubted who I am in Christ. Forgot my heritage, forgot my purpose, my future glory, the plans of God for my life, forgot anything and everything that reminded me of my worth in Christ. By far the worst spiritual trial I've ever been through... But it gives me hope, it tells me that I am stronger and more mature to go through it. Now let's talk.

My summer started off with a few family issues then I was involved in a lot of activities that I ended up stressed and so uptight about life. To top it off I was going through a trial. I had started this year off, up until the summer, with such powerful presence of God but during this summer I noticed my prayers and quiet time become more like a routine than encounters with God. Over time I stopped praying, when I got busier I stopped trying to make time.

I honestly don't know when it started but I became very anxious about everything. The spirit of anxiety would plague me morning and night. I remember waking up so afraid, afraid of what? I can't even tell you, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything. I started and ended my days in tears. One particular night, the demons of suicide were whispering into my ears "You live by the lake Didi you can just jump into it, no one cares about you." You already know I got off my bed and started biding and casting.

Satan and his little demons played games with me this summer. I began to doubt that God can use me. I began telling myself I was a nobody, with no confidence, no faith, too much flaws and a weak soul. Some days I would sit before God and tell Him I was tired! That I couldn't do it anymore! I had magnified the problem before me and given it too much power that my eyes were now set upon them instead of Jesus. I was telling God to look at how big my problem was instead of vice versa. To make things worse, I stayed away from people; I would go to church on Sundays then Monday to Saturday I was in my room, alone not even leaving my apartment for some fresh air.

It was tough.. and I was also studying for my MCAT. Can you tell it was the most depressing, lonely and trying time of my life? The biggest thing I feared most at that time was that I might never get back to who I was. I feared that the Didi I used to know might have permanently left. That my confidence would never return. That I'd remain this timid and melancholic forever. I was all wrapped up in fear, fear, fear! On the 27th of August, I sat down and said enough is ENOUGH! I told God from today onwards, "I LET GO OF FEAR AND I STEP OUT IN FAITH!" I was just tired of letting this thing called fear rule my life. Because of this summer, I'm pretty positive I know every bible verse that talks about fear, I had to soak myself in the word.

From that day onwards, I began climbing the ladder back to the real Didi, I started conquering anxiety and fear, started putting Jesus at the center of my life again... Part 2 coming soon..

God bless! :)