....Now I had asked God for a sign. I said "If I let go of this fear and step out in faith, I need to know that you have my back." 27th was a Saturday and the very next day (Sunday) during service at church my pastor goes "And for everyone that is letting go of fear and stepping out in faith, God I pray that you give them strength." The way I started tearing. The exact same words.. that was all I needed.
Let me explain exactly what led to this internal battle/spiritual trial of mine. You see I have garnered some bit of reputation in the eyes of this world. However I knew that I am still but a shadow of who I am called to be. God was calling me to a greater height in Him and I was afraid that he wants to expose my weaknesses and sensitivity for His glory. Like I really want to spend and be spent for His kingdom but I wanted to look relevant while doing it. That's the point! At the middle of it all lied my pride and this was what brought the fear and anxiety. I was afraid of looking like a fool before the very people that thought I was somebody.
Anyone else been through this? Let's analyze. I understand that God's purpose for my life exalts my weaknesses to direct the praise to Him. In other words, the very thing I struggle with is what God will use to show off His power. Let's take Abraham for example, he was childless but was called to be the father of all nations, Peter was timid and ended up being a courageous leader, David was irrelevant and become more than relevant when God was done with Him, Moses couldn't even speak, the list goes on... Yet these people had to make a decision to really let God author the course of their lives. For some of us we will have to endure for some while because God is stripping you of your so called reputations, making you vulnerable and exposing your weakness so that when he uplifts you people will know without the shadow of a doubt that it couldn't have been by your own doing.
So for a while now God has been calling and preparing me. And I know it will be harddddd (inserts crying emoji). If it was easy then everyone will be doing it. I have been hesitating for some time but the thing is that I am done!! I can't be flickering light when I am called to be a burning flame! I refuse to not walk in His perfect will for my life!! I reject every spirit of mediocrity! I am destined for greatness and when I stand before Him on that day, I want to look Him in the eyes and say "I used every single thing You deposited in me." I was about to turn 20 and I KNEW in my mind, heart and spirit that I needed to stop playing games. From that very day, after talking it out with God, we both began living out His will for me.
Then on my birthday as I sat before Him, literally drenched in tears (boy was it a tough year), waiting on His word for my new age (I do this every birthday), thinking it would involve more pain and suffering. God looked at me and said "Take care of yourself." This has to be the biggest form of endearment ever. Those four words showed me that He saw all my pain and understood how hard it was on me. It makes me wonder how many times He had wanted to step in and take me out of that trial but He knew I had to grow. I was still scarred, wasn't fully healed, was still suffering and He knew that. I really needed that. When God says take care of yourself, you do exactly just that.
Since the 22nd of September I have been taking care of myself. In fact I can't believe it's that same Didi that is blogging about this. Like there is so much joy and happiness in my heart. A friend of mine told me a few days ago, "You're really happy, I'm happy for you," because it's been a while he has seen me happy. I find myself saying "I love doing life with You" a lot lately to God. It really is such a beautiful thing. I'm grateful that He has singled me out to be on fire for Him. Cheers to more trials, growth and to pressing deeper into Him daily.
Y'all should try Him.
Love and peace always :)
Didi
I love this!
ReplyDeleteThanks love!
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